Z A N S H I N: The Journey to Awakening

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Z A N S H I N

                                           Journey to Awakening

        After fifty years of martial arts practice, I am no longer able to continue.

      There are several reasons for this, but the main reason is my health has changed. I was able to keep practicing in a limited way after having both hips replaced, but when my heart developed an irregular rhythm, the medications to correct that left me weak and light-headed. The past few months have been a difficult time of readjustment to this new person that I have become. I have less stamina, less energy, less breath. Even my thought patterns changed. I have gradually been able to compensate for my new limitations, but martial arts practice was no longer helping. My balance was off. My speed was gone. And worst of all, my sense of indomitability had vanished, and a kind of desperation had settled into its place for a time.

         I have come to terms with all of this. My health is now balanced out, and I am exercising more, and eating less. All in all, I am feeling better than I have in months, despite going or not going to practice.

      Of course there are other reasons I stopped going. The commute was an hour's drive during rush hour, after which my brain would be fried and my heart would be irregular from the stress, not to mention ten dollars worth of gas for every practice. I don't miss that.

        But more central to the point is that my teacher, Grandmaster Jim Garrison retired from active involvement and moved two hundred miles away. The new Soke (headmaster) is Master Michael Martyn, a man with less time and less rank than I, but who is much better trained, and well suited to the position. Pacific Rim Martial Arts Academy, where I have practiced for the last 35 years, could not be in better hands than Mr. Martyn's. And it is his judgment that I am ill-suited to be a student at Pacific Rim any longer.

       The system has evolved, the techniques have evolved. I have not. I am “old school,” rougher than appropriate for the youngsters of today. They are uncomfortable with us old, rough black belts, and some of them drop out rather than toughen up.

        And of course there is the subjective view of respect. I was perceived as being disrespectful by discontinuing a seminar, when in actuality, I was having a medical emergency. But no one asked me how I felt at the time. I have never intended disrespect to anyone in the martial arts world, let alone my long-time teacher, who taught that seminar. I just thought at the time that it would be a great idea to not have an atrial fibrillation induced stroke. I suppose I should have told them I was leaving; That was probably the disrespectful part.  But I wasn't feeling very well, and not thinking straight either. As I said, my view of this incident is completely subjective.  As are all views. Anyway, it is in the past now, and time to move on.

        One has to think about this; I practiced in this system for 40 years-- five years with Mr. Kim at his school in downtown Portland, and 35 years at Pacific Rim. For 39 of those years, I was viewed as a good student; I was polite, respectful, tenacious, and eager to participate. And then the last year, my fiftieth year in the martial arts, my fortieth in this system, I become less active, less able to participate, more distracted by my own crises.
It was simply time for me to go my own way and find my own balance.  The decision for me to go was mutual, and I have only one regret; the black belts were my friends, and I will miss spending time with them.

        But I have not stopped practice. The principles and philosophy of Hapkido are indelibly etched into my brain, and will affect my thoughts and actions the rest of my life. For that I am thankful. I've only stopped going to class.

       My impression of the heart of Hapkido is that we must strive to optimize our force-of-being; that is to say, our health, our mental acuity, our personal integrity, and our connections to those who touch our lives. By practicing Hapkido, we are seeking to manifest our best selves, seeking to be strong both outwardly and inwardly. The actual self defense techniques are only an expression of this. The real practice is within oneself. With this in mind, my practice is ongoing and uninterrupted.

Karate is no different from other martial arts in fostering the traits of courage, courtesy, integrity, humility, and self-control in those who have found its essence.

– Gichen Funikoshi, founder of Shodokan Karate

               After so many years, not practicing martial arts is like awakening from a lucid dream, and trying to remember who you are again.  I'm in the midst of creating a new paradigm for myself, and am no longer accountable to anyone else for its success or failure.  So, who am I, and what are my goals? The goal of seeking to manifest my best self has not changed. In fact, it has intensified. I have more time to devote to regular exercise-- walking, swimming, circuit training, heavy bag work. I'd like to get in better shape so that eventually, I can maybe get my side kick back. Round-house too. I'd like it to not hurt when I arise from a chair. I'd like to not find an automatic frown on my face when I look in a mirror. I'd like to look at my rank certificates hanging in my writing room, and smile. It was all good. But it can be better still.

        This is the life I find myself within:

                  Let it be mindful,

                              Let it be purposeful,

                                                Let it be joyful.

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